Saturday, May 16, 2015

Why’s it so dark? Because my head is back in the sand!

It’s amazing to me how impossible even the smallest tasks can be when you’re fighting thoughts and emotions you can’t quite explain or even want to deal with.  It’s a battle that’s both exhausting and mentally time-consuming.  Blogging is usually more of a medium-sized task, but the past few months it has become a large chore only because I have such a hard time expressing what I’m dealing with as I continue to remain on task with my writing.  Lately, when I am able to make the time to blog, I feel I’m writing more about why I’m not writing than what I’m writing about.

Last month finally proved productive and even though I had a slump due to the criminal trial involving my dad’s death, I did very well in accomplishing the major feat of reaching my writing goal of 30,000 words during Camp NaNo.  Considering my time spent writing for Camp NaNo, rolled in with the emotions I was dealing with during the trial, as well as a writing conference, a busy birthday weekend and a month-long journaling and photo challenge, I’m quite amazed with myself for what I was able to accomplish during the month of April.

And then…the month of May rolled around and my writing routine, my blogging and even my regular time journaling took another hit.  Today, I feel like I finally woke up…or rather, I finally pulled my head out of the sand, and now, I’m glaring at the calendar after realizing half the month is already gone. 

What the heck happened?  What have I been doing for the past 16 days? 

That’s the problem with grief, heartbreak, stress, depression, illness, or whatever might be ailing someone during a difficult time in their life…sometimes it’s so much easier to hide in the safety of darkness, in an attempt to ward off all the terrible thoughts, complex emotions, ugly details and awful truths.  So much easier.

But there’s a real problem with hiding in the safety of that darkness; instead of working through the grief, heartbreak, stress, depression or illness, you’re left swimming in all the negativity involved with the circumstance.  And the deeper you dig yourself into the darkness, the harder it can be to find your way out. 

Oh, this is getting heavy.  I know.  But for anyone who has dealt with an extremely difficult time in their lives, I’m sure you understand just what it takes to dig yourself out in order to finally get back to living life to the fullest extent possible.

So what caused me to finally focus on the date today?  What made me realize I’d buried my head right back in the sand again? 

Honestly, it was from taking part in a women’s conference last night.  Not an on line course…that would be so much easier when I would just rather not socialize right now.  No, I finally agreed to make my unsociable self available to actually attend a live event.  The theme of the event is what finally woke me up because it was about being brave and to remind us how unique and unstoppable women can be (and should be!). 

Why did this theme affect me so much? 

Because I was reminded that I am brave, I am unique and no matter what life throws at me, I should remain unstoppable.  I was very brave when I finally decided to put the stories in my head down on paper and actually publish them.  I was even more courageous when I finally shared my dreams with family, friends and anyone who might care on the World Wide Web.  I am unique because the stories and characters born from my imagination are my own creation and, based on the wonderful feedback over the past few years, my books are enjoyed by many readers.  I am unstoppable because I have continued to resist the urge to quit even though writing and publishing will always be an uphill climb.  Why?  Because I absolutely love to write and I take pleasure in sharing my stories with others.

Now that my head is out of the sand, I see I’m at another fork in the road and I’m going to choose the direction that will move me forward again.  I will likely hit another bump in the road, or another fork that forces me to re-evaluate things, but I as long as I remember to remain brave and continue to believe in myself, I will hold on to my title as unique and unstoppable. 

Is anyone else going through a difficult time?  Dumb question, as many are, I’m sure.  Whether my experiences and what I share help others or not, I truly do appreciate the fact that I can continue to express myself as I continue to work through things.  And if anything I say gives someone a little push to work their way out of their own difficulties, I’ll call it a very good day. 

Take care and stay courageous.

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